Good advice on this thread so far, Paul. Please listen to it.
Indeed, life = pain. Life also equals beauty, love, peace, anger, excitement, and anything and everything else one could think of. But what YOUR life equals is entirely up to you, and it begins NOW. Your past is, in economic terms, a sunk cost, and has absolutely nothing to do with how you can feel and acheive in the future.
Guilt is based on looking backward. It is almost wholly nonproductive. Once you have learned not to make the same mistake again, it is time to move on, not make the mistake again, and live a life of fulfillment. Jesus said, "stop judging" and he didn't qualify it exclusively to OTHER people. Stop judging yourself, too, Paul. That you have a good heart is evident in your posts. Past actions are past. You learn and you move on.
You're ok. Really you are.